Now Santa, I realize that you may be somewhat disappointed in my overall behavior this past year, but in my defense I didn’t start anything, I merely reacted to the obstacles that were placed in my path. Why should I be held accountable for other people’s actions towards me? I mean sure, it probably wasn’t right to use such colorful language and matching hand gestures, but I felt that by using this form of communication, my point could be made more clearly. I was really just trying to do my part in clearing up any lingering confusion.
As for my road rage sir, it has recently come to my attention that the DSM IV now classifies road rage as a disorder, therefore, I cannot be held accountable for my actions this past year. I’ve already mailed you an updated copy of the DSM. You’ll find the section on road rage on page 540, section A, lines 2-55, I even took the liberty of highlighting the section for easier reading.
In an effort to avoid a repeat of the Christmas of 09, I feel that I should fully explain my sarcastic nature. Honestly Santa, and we gone over this before, it's not my fault half of the people in the world can't take a joke and don’t quite understand my sense of humor. I feel like you should at least give me some credit for all the times that I didn’t give in to temptation, but instead bit my tongue. Yes, I do mean that both figuratively and literally, and I have hospital records to prove it. In fact, I’ve mailed you a copy of those as well.
Santa, it is my sincerest hope that you will take this letter into consideration while you are making your rounds this year. Remember, we don't want a nasty repeat of the Christmas of 09, do we? (My lawyer is still on speed dial.)
May you have a very Merry Christmas sir, and please give my regards to your lovely wife.
P.S. - I almost forgot to mention how great you are looking this year. I’ve noticed that you’ve lost a few pounds. I guess that gym membership I gave you last year as a bribe--I mean gift is paying off. Also, I just love how the red in your suit brings out your rosy cheeks. Red is definitely your color sir. Please, let me know how Mrs. Claus is doing.