*Originally posted December 5, 2012
As December 25th is rapidly approaching, I thought it best to clear up any lingering questions in regards to my behavior this past year. First, let me begin by saying that I always had the best of intentions. I am aware that my actions may not have defined the aforementioned intentions as clearly as they could have, but I don’t think that I should be held accountable for these minor transgressions. I think that before you make any hasty decisions regarding which list my name will appear on this year, you should at least hear me out.
Now Santa, I realize that you may be somewhat disappointed in my overall behavior this past year, but in my defense I didn’t start anything, I merely reacted to the obstacles that were placed in my path. Why should I be held accountable for other people’s actions towards me? I mean sure, it probably wasn’t right to use such colorful language and matching hand gestures, but I felt that by using this form of communication, my point could be made more clearly. I was really just trying to do my part in clearing up any lingering confusion.
As for my road rage sir, it has recently come to my attention that the DSM IV now classifies road rage as a disorder, therefore, I cannot be held accountable for my actions this past year. I’ve already mailed you an updated copy of the DSM. You’ll find the section on road rage on page 540, section A, lines 2-55, I even took the liberty of highlighting the section for easier reading.
In an effort to avoid a repeat of the Christmas of 09, I feel that I should fully explain my sarcastic nature. Honestly Santa, and we gone over this before, it's not my fault half of the people in the world can't take a joke and don’t quite understand my sense of humor. I feel like you should at least give me some credit for all the times that I didn’t give in to temptation, but instead bit my tongue. Yes, I do mean that both figuratively and literally, and I have hospital records to prove it. In fact, I’ve mailed you a copy of those as well.
Santa, it is my sincerest hope that you will take this letter into consideration while you are making your rounds this year. Remember, we don't want a nasty repeat of the Christmas of 09, do we? (My lawyer is still on speed dial.)
May you have a very Merry Christmas sir, and please give my regards to your lovely wife.
P.S. - I almost forgot to mention how great you are looking this year. I just love how the red in your suit brings out your rosy cheeks. Red is definitely your color sir.