Conversations With Myself

Conversations With Myself

{source}


When I was in high school, I made the unfortunate mistake of harboring a crush on the most popular guy in school.  You know the type--star football player, track team hero, and all-around ladies man. In other words, Trouble (literally with a capital T).

 I, on the other hand, was a walking advertisement for your ABC Family movie of the week. You know, the one where the geeky girl (who's portrayed by some ridiculously gorgeous actress) falls in love with the the High School "Hottie", who realizes the error of his ways and professes his undying love and devotion to said geeky girl in front of the whole school. Only that's not how it worked for me.

No, I never got my high school happy ending. Luckily for me, instead I got my real life happy ending.  Which was really the best thing because most high school romances are all about the drama. By the time I met Mr. A, I was mature enough to know who I was and what I wanted. And so far it's worked out well for both of us.

Of course high school me had no way of knowing that things would work out for the best. Especially the day my crush decided to announce to the cafeteria that he would not go out with me. Loudly. Purposely. And that just broke my little high school heart.

I wish I could say I tossed back some witty little line about how I'd rather be subjected to having to listen to Nicki Minaj's entire album--twice--rather than go on a date with him. Only I didn't, (partly due to the fact that Nicki Minaj had not yet graced us with her presence). No, instead I skipped 4th period and hid out in the bathroom sobbing my poor little high school eyes out.

I often wonder what I would tell my high school self if I could find a way to travel back to those turbulent adolescent years. I suppose, I would simply tell myself that it gets better. It never seems like it at the time, but it does. I think I'd say, "One day, you'll look back at those moments, those terrible moments, and you'll smile because they made you the woman you are today. One day you'll understand. One day you'll forgive. One day you'll love, and you'll be loved. Immeasurably. Absolutely. Deeply."

I'd tell myself that one day she was going to have an amazing daughter, and her daughter would need her mother to fight for her the same way hers did for her. I'd tell myself to look in the mirror, because the girl I see staring back at me is going to be incredible one day.

Mostly I think I would just hug myself and tell me to pray, and pray hard. And that one day, I would wake up and love myself just a little bit more. And in that moment, I would know that everything was going to be okay.

I suppose this is the great paradox of life. We can always see where we have been and where we currently are, but we have no idea where we are headed. And sometimes that's the most difficult thing of all. To understand that pain is just temporary. I strongly believe that if we can find a way to love ourselves though the pain, we are all the better for it.


8 comments :

  1. I loved this! I just found your blog! I thought I was the only one who had "conversations with myself" and wrote about them publicly. I have read a few more of your posts and I love how candid you are when telling about your experiences. I also love your hair! We share a lot of similarities! please keep in touch I will be reading more of your posts in the future =)

    candracherry.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by Candra! I'm happy you were able to relate to this post. Looking forward to getting to know you :)

      Delete
  2. It's so true that we never know where we're headed until life just happens to turn out that way. We're all in for surprises--for better or worse, but we're always learning! I am forever grateful, however, that I somehow escaped the horrors of crushes and dating and boys in high school. For whatever reason I was vehemently anti-boys until Angel came around and my entire family could not believe that I actually liked a guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you probably saved yourself a lot of heartache by skipping the crush phase. Besides, you picked a winner!

      lol about the family not believing that you actually liked a guy. I swear mine thought I was going to end up a crazy old cat lady....

      Delete
  3. I need to start blogging my conversations with myself.

    Today I was talking to myself and I didn't realize that a man was in the car beside mine. I know I sounded crazy lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do that all. the. time. lol
      Glad I'm not alone.

      Delete
  4. I wouldn't want to go back to those high school years for anything. They were painful for me. If anything I would tell kids, if you're having a tough time, that these years are just a blip in your actual life. There is nothing about high school that defined me once it was over.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. High school is amazing and yet terrifying at the same time. It's such a difficult age. You think you've got it all figured out, and yet you're struggling to figure it all out. I'm with you, I don't think I could survive high school again, especially today. These kids have so much more to worry about, and I just graduated less than 10 years ago.

      I love what you said about nothing in high school defining you once it was over. Some people tend to carry their pain around for years. I'm happy you were able to let it go and move on.

      Thanks for reading and sharing such a thoughtful comment Michelle.

      Delete

Sharing is caring ;)