Apparently (note the sarcasm) there is this incessant debate amongst women,
more specifically Stay At Home Moms vs. Working Moms about whether a mother's
place is in her home, taking care of her children, or at the office, building a
career. A few days ago, I got into a pretty heated argument with a friend who
felt that I was neglecting my daughter by choosing to go to school so that I
could begin working. And by heated, I mean an all out, no-holds-barred verbal assault.
Needless to say, I think it will be quite a while before we are even allowed
within 20 yards of each other.
To tell you the truth, before I became a mother, I was completely oblivious
to this never ending debate. However, now that I have crossed that threshold
into motherhood, I’ve found myself thrown directly into the center of the fiery
topic. Again. Again. And again.
It used to be that I would go home for family
events and the topic of discussion would be my future career goals. Flash forward three years and one daughter later, and the topic of
discussion has now transformed to "what type of job is James looking
for?" In fact, I've basically found myself completely excluded from any
conversation pertaining to career decisions, unless the people I'm speaking to
are unaware that I am a mother. Never mind the fact that I am still the same
highly motivated career-oriented woman that I was 2 years ago. Only now I'm
highly motivated while I'm changing diapers and teaching Jasmine her ABC's.
The few times that my career is mentioned, it normally comes attached to a
statement like "I could never leave my baby at home all day while I'm at
work." My response (because I have heard this on more than one occasion)
is typically, "I'm sorry...that you feel that way, but babies gotta
eat." (Note: this only works if you do a slight pause after the “I’m sorry”,
that way they feel as if you’re apologizing, right before you cram it back in
their faces).
Now it's not that I don't trust that James is doing an excellent job taking
care of our home, because he is, it's that I don't feel he should not have to
do it, alone. Right now this
country is going through a very unstable time financially. Those who have great
jobs and the education to match are not guaranteed that they will have those
same jobs tomorrow. It's sad, but it's life. I choose to deal with it by
recognizing that if we want Jasmine to have the best upbringing we can possibly
give her, both of us need to work towards that. (Note: I am not saying that Stay
At Home Moms do not contribute to their household).
I just watched Good Deeds last weekend (another great movie by Tyler Perry)
and this movie introduces you to a mother struggling to keep things together
for her and her daughter. They're homeless, she has a horrible job, the IRS is
withholding her pay; she basically can't seem to catch a break. There's this
one scene (spoiler alert) where Perry's character asks Newton if she had always
intended to be a janitor. To which she replies no, she was in nursing school,
getting ready to finish, when her husband, who was in the army, was killed in
Iraq. Sadly, because of this she was left destitute with no other means for
supporting herself and her child.
Now this is an extreme example, because anyone
who is in the military, or affiliated with the military, knows that should
something happen to your spouse while on active duty, there are things in place
to ensure that you will be taken care of. (Unless you choose to live it up like
you're Paris Hilton every night. Which if you're doing that shortly after your
spouse dies while deployed, you need to be slapped. In the face. Repeatedly.
With a chair). Point is, something happened to the main breadwinner, and as a
result, they faced very difficult circumstances. I hope that nothing happens to
James, but should something happen, I can rest assured that I will be in the
position to support my daughter.
I'm not trying to tell another woman how to run her home. At the end of the
day, we are all mothers, and instead of tearing each other down, we need to
support each other. Every family has a different set of circumstances. Every parent tries to lead their children in the best direction they can. As a
child, my parents instilled in me the value of hard work and a good education, and I have every
intention of doing the same to my daughter. I was lucky enough to find an
amazing man, whom I truly love and want to spend the rest of my days with. A strong, smart and supportive man. I
pray that my daughter finds the same. However, it was hard for me to find a
great guy in 2008, I can only imagine how tough it will be for her in about 25
years. So I will do everything I can possibly do to ensure that she understand
how to support and take care of herself.
Basically what I’ve learned from this fiasco is that the next time someone
tries to tear me down for attempting to raise my child in a manner in which
James and I have decided is right for us, I will recognize that there is something,
whether it be self-esteem issues or a incomplete understanding of our family dynamic,
lacking in themselves and continue on with my day. My daughter is too important and too special for me to waste time and energy defending the way James and I choose to parent her.
Any questions???
-Reese
